Canadian HumourCanadian Humour - SCTV Fantasy Island 1
A Kafkaesque Grad Reunion in VancouverCanadian Humour ...eh....Tsawwassen Golf Club, Tsawwassen,BC The anticipation is almost nauseating as I head towards the golf club where my twenty year high school reunion will take place. I am almost shaking. I try to do a meditation type breathing exercise to calm myself but it doesn't work very well while walking. I enter the building and push three in the elevator. The doors open and a retired Canada Customs clerk is the greeter for our class reunion. "Your name?" "Kevin Burns." "Place of residence?" "Japan." "Purpose of visit?" "Well, it's my class reunion." "Class reunion eh, got anything to declare, any valuables, tobacco, firearms, things of that nature?" "Call of nature, what?,....No, nothing." "Are you okay?" "Yah, okay, just jet-lagged." "This won`t take long. Will you be visiting a farm during your stay?" "Tonight?" "Yes tonight, and I ask the questions!" "No sir." "All right, have a good night and stay away from the garlic dip if you want to talk to any of your friends. Next!" The metal detector goes off as I walk in and I am forced to give up my watch to a large guy named Guido. I didn't argue. He hands me a portable lie detector. "What's this for?" I stammer. "All the grads have one, it's so we'll all stay on the level. We don't want any Romy and Michelle stuff goingon tonight. This is a quality affair." "Alright gotcha." (Damn I was gonna try that I invented Post its story. Guess I can`t now!) God; I walk in, and all the women are now blonds, even the Asian women. I go up to the bar and to my horror they are only serving American beer. I opt for water which all Canadians know amounts to the same thing. Before the reunion I had this nightmare. All my friends were retired and I was still the stockboy at Canadian tire. I explained to them, "I get free clothes with every set of tires I buy." They weren't impressed. Thankfully it was only a nightmare. WWF is playing on the TV monitor and many of the guys are gathered round it cheering, explaining the woman pounding that guy in the corner is from Surrey. She obviously isn't from South Surrey or that would have been pointed out. Canadian Humour Boy what a strange reunion and I haven't even really talked with anyone yet, other than the surly former Canada Customs clerk from Hell's Gate. I go and get seconds of those cute little sandwiches. The waitress walks by me and says, "pig." I could walk out now, but oh no---- it's Martha, the most boring grad ever. Plants wilt when she talks to them. She's really nice but she clogs up the conversational arteries with her incredibly dry as a desert stories about Moose Kidney, Saskatchewan. Don't get me wrong, Moose Kidney is a swingin' town in it's own way, but the woman talks and talks about people I don't know, nor care about. I don't want to know the details of Uncle Herbert's hernia operation. Canadian Humour The homecoming queen walks in with her cane. She's a big assed lesbian but her biker girlfriend is gorgeous. My attention is drawn away from her though, Guido the killer pimp is voted most successful Grad. I realize he is the one wearing my watch. Ha ha, the last laugh is on him, it's a Casio! Canadian Humour I change my mind about getting thirds of the cute little sandwiches when I realize the entymologist has proudly displayed his bug collection next to them. He explains the intricacies of every bug and our aging principal falls asleep in the tuna casserole. I try to liven up the proceedings with a bug joke, "I had African Sicklets once, but I got over it." No one laughs. I slink off and try to find out what time it is. No one seems to be wearing a watch except for Guido. ....I wonder how he made all that money? Canadian Humour It can't be, it's the beautiful Jennifer, the one I pined for, the one I dreamed of during grade 10 chemistry class and really every other class too. No wonder I could never concentrate in school. I go up to her. "Jennifer I had the biggest crush on you in grade 10." "Sorry I don't remember you." (How do you respond to that?) "That's okay. Would you please excuse me? I have to go outside and step in front of a bus." Canadian Humour I'm crushed and try to console myself by talking with my best friend Shane. He pats me on the back and says,"You look exactly the same." Which loses its' impact because he can't stop laughing. He still has a pug nose! Canadian Humour I leave Shane and go up to some grads I never really talked to during high school. I introduce myself and the lie detector starts ringing. The damn thing won't stop! I feel my face turning red and all the grads gather round me,staring at me accusingly. The principal wakes up from his entymnologically induced slumber, and staggers up to me; (not realizing he has tuna casserole all over his face). The absurdity of the situation causes me to laugh hysterically.Principal Stebbings asks: "Is there anything you'd like to tell us young man?" Canadian Humour I'm saved when Martin Epp draws the attention off me as he grabs the mic and proclaims, "I've seen God and he lives in Abottsford." All the lie detectors immediately go off, except mine. This quasi-religious experience ends when Martin is dragged off by Guido to the principal's office, where he must listen to Barry Manilou for the rest of the night. I remember thinking, I couldn't survive that kind of treatment. Barry Manilou, waterboarding - same thing! Principal Stebbings grabs the mic and gives a short speech, he draws the loudest applause when he states:"I'm so pround of this grad class, as half of you are out of prison." Guido doesn't look pleased. Perhaps he mistook the bug collection for the hor d'oerves. That can't be, not it isn't,... Paula Smith, the most beautiful girl at school is now the size of a Smythrite. No bigger than a Smythrite, that was a typo. Canadian Humour I check the TV monitor, and the girl from Surrey has won the bout and now there's one of those cheap Canadian TV commercials on--you know the one's where the owner has paid and starred in it himself. "I'm High Profit Pete,and have we got a deal for you! Look at all these cars. Feeling strapped for cash? Don't worry,you don't pay this year, you don't pay next year, you don't pay ever! We gotta be crazy, we're just givin' them away!" Canadian Humour Some men in white suits come on screen and drag High Profit Pete away. Apparently he really is crazy and hijacked the TV studio. I lick my wounds and I decide to leave. I gotta get up early and find High Profit Pete's used car lot in the morning. This story was fiction and meant completely as a joke. No seriousness intended. America, vote for the Canada Party
To Humor on Japan
Jim Carrey on Being CanadianI love this! Jim has always been so funny!
"I got my physical done and the endoscope revealed that I had a hockey puck, an old beer can, and some ginsu knives in me, but I feel great. Mom always said when you lose things: "They are right where you left them Kev." --True indeed. I really missed some of those things I lost,....that old lovely beer can." --Kevin R Burns |
