Ice HumourFaceoff, a Canadian street hockey storyIce Humour from Tsawwassen, BC (Based on true stories from Upland Place, Tsawwassen in the early 1970s) by Kevin R. Burns Delta, BC, Canada There she stood, glarin' down at me. The old battleaxe or "Wildebeast," as we fondly called her, gave me the cold, hard glare. Do I dare approach? --I thought. Here was a chance to prove my manhood or get hauled away by the police. The score was 3-2, and we had agreed to quit at five goals. Mrs. Denman wasn't being very cooperative if you asked me. I was 6 years old, and a goal scoring sniper in road hockey, but I had missed on that last one timer and the worst had happened, the ball had entered Mrs. Denman`s garden! As usual, she had been perched at her window, watching and waiting for this moment. She rushed out when the ball had bounced over her rockery and onto the lawn. It wasn't merely a minor invasion, IT WAS DEEP IN ENEMY TERRITORY! Do I go in or not? Will the police be called again? Ice Humour -- well, more like street humour It is hard to reason with the police when you are only 6. They are bigger than you are, older than you are, and carry a gun. Will they haul me away? Can you be arrested for a road hockey incursion? If so what was the penalty? Do I gotta mow Mrs. Denman`s lawn 'til I start gettin' chest hair? Do hard labour weeding that darned rockery? Like the UN, Mom and Dad had gotten involved. A local cul-de-sac meeting had been called weeks before and a compromise had been reached. Kev and the gang would continue to play road hockey, but any balls entering yards would be confiscated. It was becoming expensive. You see, Dad didn't go through tennis balls fast enough for us to keep up with all the missed one-timers. Something had to be done. I WAS GOING IN! Ice Humour I rushed onto the lawn, picked up the ball and rushed out. Mrs. Denman didn't follow but continued with her icy stare. Reminiscent of Mr. Grinch. To this day icy stares really give me the chills, pun intended! It seemed all would be okay until the blue and white of the Delta Police showed up. Uh oh! Look angelic Kev. That is pretty easy to do when you are 4 foot 1. Constable Smith wasn't thrilled. When he had gotten into police work, he had imagined something different. Dealing with 6 year olds and the "Wildebeast" wasn't his idea of police work. His name would not be in the headlines today, no big arrests. Even if TV reporters had shown up at the crime scene, even if Mrs. Denman had outdone herself and gotten the CBC to come, what could he say? "I apprehended the accused in front of the net at approximately 5PM, which really is getting close to dinner time. Some of these boys should be at home. The accused calls himself Bobby Orr, but his real name is Kevin Burns. There was no struggle. I was a little concerned when he dropped his gloves, but quickly realized that this was not a menacing gesture. If it had happened in the rink, I might have had to draw my gun at that point. The accused and his friends complied with my request to end the game. The Bruins won 4-3. Mrs. Denman will not press charges in view of Bobby's, uh Kevin's age. The kids have agreed to play elsewhere. Mrs. D, thank you for the milk and cookies!" Reporter: "Won't playing elsewhere simply cause problems for other people?" Smith: "Yes. Any other questions?" The police were never called again. We moved around, always keeping just ahead of the police. We would annoy Paul Sorensen's neighbours, then just when things were getting dicey, it was off to Thor Matson's street. Cars would come but we got good at clearing the street of nets and hockey equipment. Could do it in nine seconds flat. Ice Humour All of us were going to be pros, especially when Vancouver got a team in 1970. Those Canucks teams of the early 70's were not pretty but I loved them and still do. Much like I love an oreo cookie, I can never get enough of my Canucks. It is funny what you miss when you live abroad. I truly miss the Canucks. When the Canucks came to Tokyo I was there. I was there to watch the Canadians beat the Americans in Nagano and congratulated Walter Gretzky after the game. I cheered for Team Japan too and their valiant never say die team. I'd love to tell you more but I gotta go, my four year old wants to play, he's 4 foot 1 and has a wicked slap shot! From Ice Humour to Canadian Humour
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